After my mom's death
It's been little over three months since my mom's death. In the mean time, I can hardly remember what I was doing, other than crying. That said, in the course of three months, (it's less than before but) I resumed some pet sitting and dog walking jobs, I became one year older, I cooked, I ate, I breathe, I took care of my baby Bambi, I talked to people, so maybe I look normal and possibly even more energetic than usual. But in fact, it's like my mind and body have fallen apart since my mother's death, and even if I'm doing something, my mind is like being somewhere else.
Will this strange sense of instability return to its original state someday? Or will it stay like this all the time now? Especially, soon after my mom passed away, I had regrets in my head and my heart was so painful that I couldn't help it. My mom asked me to come back to Japan. Why didn't I come back in February like I always did for last many years...? Every time I returned home, she put circle my arrival date on her calendar. She counted everyday how many day left till my arrival date. She was looking forward to see me more than anybody else. Why did I argue with her and I felt annoyed sometimes when I was with her? I know now that all of which were because I felt safe with her. I could tell her anything without fear of losing because I knew she loves me and I love her no matter what. How immature I was! I shouldn't have taken it for granted her love. I loved her so so much. Even now, I feel like if I call her, she will reply me with her smile and sweet voice. It took me almost two hours to write this short sentence because I cried too much. I am still such a mess...
#death #sorrow #mother #sanfranciscolife
